Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Criminal Mind

I have a very healthy fear of consequences, which probably saves me from getting into a lot of trouble. I worry about what people would think if I did " ... " I come up with all sorts of scenarios that invariably end in despair and disaster if I were to get caught doing " ... ".
Mostly I try to keep these deviant & (often) criminal inclinations to myself, but this is one that I'm sure I hope that you can relate to. (And when I say "relate to" I mean "Awwwww, c'mon ... you've thought of doing it too!!!")
There is an MP who comes with his wife to watch their daughter at gymnastics. He's usually in full uniform and is a big, well-built, scary imposing authority figure. Well, last week he sat in front of me. I saw his holste
red gun and just started thinking. Okay, it's stupid, but really. I'm sure that the moms watching their kids didn't look all that threatening and that me, sitting there knitting looked especially harmless, but still waters run deep. At some point the thinking became fantasizing. I was actually visualizing how I would pop the snap on the holster, grab the gun, twirl it and hand it to him (handle first - I'm not stoopid!!!) before he could twist my arm (painfully should go without saying) behind my back put me face down (hard enough to dent the floor) knee on my neck and arrest me.
In my best fantasy, he's actually appreciative that I've brought this lapse of vigilance to his attention and that I become the poster-mom and guest speaker for security awareness.

cue the sound of a needle scratching across a record

The consequences - prison (not just jail - prison!!), humiliation (for Amanda too) and the thought that they would almost certainly not allow me to knit all day in peace & quiet kept my hands on my knitting needles. (Hey, that's not a bad idea for a vacation - they serve you your meals in your priva
te room and as long as we could arrange for satellite tv reception, a comfy chair and alcohol I think we could have a winner. Of course there'd have to be an affidavit swearing that you wouldn't use your needles as weapons & some sort of "we're not responsible for you becoming someone's bitch" waiver, but those are just technicalities.)

Woulda, coulda, shoulda; mostly glad I didn't. And Kerwyn thinks that I'm the normal one. HA!!!

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