Sunday, July 26, 2015

Knitting.

I am progressing well on my sock.

I am very pleased that I am on a losing streak!! Weight loss that is. Since I am eating as only I please, it is easier to make healthier choices and that is being reflected in tangible results. While I know that numbers on a scale are not reflective of the value(s) of a person, they are an encouragement to keep on as I am. I'm glad that I have not chosen to drown my sorrow in food and (more) alcohol; that I am making good choices for me and my physical well being.

I am casting on for a Secret Project tonight after a successful swatch.
5 more days of secular work, then I am on 14 days off!! I'll be knitting to my hearts content, visiting some family, and just relaxing before surgery.

I am appreciating how much I love my home at the moment. Home is comfort, freedom, and sanctuary. There is just nowhere else that I feel safe like I do by myself, with my puppies, in my home.


This is what I came home to after baseball; and it is exactly what I needed.


I love playing baseball. I am part of a team, I participate, and then I go home. I rarely accept invitations afterwards; the camaraderie during the game is all I need.
I love the idea of accepting invitations and being out with people, but when the time comes, I just can't. I need to get better at just saying no. But then one of my besties drags me out, just the two of us, and let's me just be me with her.
Helen and I visited the most Westerly locations on the Lakeside Yarn Crawl. Of course, there were lovelies that caught my eye and tugged at my imagination sufficiently to not resist. I didn't take pics; I'll try to do that tomorrow.

I'm looking forward to seeing my longest standing bff who will be my carer, along with my sweet girl, for a few days after my surgery. Asking for help doesn't come easily to me, but it helps to know that I can count on my friends when I need it.


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Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Things That Are Done

Another pain dazed day. I cant focus on much when the pain is so intense that it requires the most codeine. So I mostly just lay in bed, scrolling through Instagram, and playing solitaire quite badly. I let myself doze off. I check the time, but it doesn't really register unless it's 11:00, 3:00, or 7:00 when I can take medicines.



Chica lays with me during the day because she can jump up on the bed. Petey gets nights; I lift him up. Or he sleeps in his crate. Depends on our moods. They are steadfast guardians, doing their utmost to keep all harm from befalling me. And when pain assails me, they kiss me better, tails wagging earnestly, understanding in their eyes.

The pain is easing off now, which is to say that I can take less codeine; it's ridiculously relative.

I finished Georgitte



& the Favourite Soft Mittens





a few days ago. I'm finally getting to blocking out the Linen Stitch Scarf. The bind off edge is tight, despite my being deliberately loose in the doing of it.





(The colour is way off - hideous lighting in my bdrm!!) I think that next time I'll do a plain seed stitch row before casting off; that should alleviate some of the tightness.

I have been working on a sock for me. Easy, mindless knitting; just what I need. I love when the colours spiral like this!






I'm not sure what the yarn is, it's stash.

Early to bed again tonight. I'm exhausted despite massive bed rest. Pain and drugs are exhausting and I am counting down the days to their end like a prisoner getting released.

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Tuesday, July 21, 2015

End in Sight

I am maxed out on all the Rx and supplementing them with generous amount of alcohol. It's that bad this month.
Fortunately, I have surgery date. Finally!!!
August 20th I will have my hysterectomy. The end of the relentless pain and Rx is in sight.
Being crippled in pain today makes that like the oasis in the desert - a relief, but just out off reach. And because the Fates can be cruel, I could get just one more excruciating and useless menses in before the surgery!!!



Yay!!! Not.

So this put a hold pattern on my plans to transfer East. I need a drastic change of scenery and input desperately, but I also need to be not on codeine every day, and while Nfld will wait, my relative good health will not.

The puppies took very good care of me today; I was in bed from 9 last night until 3 this afternoon. Not really sleeping; mostly in a dozy state, playing solitaire, nodding off, checking the time to see if it was medicine o'clock.

There is no woman in the history of women that will be happier to be shot of her uterus than I. It has given life to the two humans whom I love the most in this life, but I have no further use for it. It is trying to kill me. I will kill it first.

I miss Lee. I miss him caring for me when I hurt the most. K was never a great carer; Lee was.

Knitting will continue. Pics of said knitting. Maybe tomorrow.

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Monday, July 6, 2015

Still knitting

It's been a challenging few weeks, but I am finding a way, every day, to keep moving forward.
It's different from the dissolution of my marriage; it hurts in a different way, but the pain runs deep. It seems to be not about the years together, but that intangible investment that your heart has made.

My hands are fine, though I might just touch base with my family dr about my left one. The middle knuckle is still giving me gyp, snapping my fingers with that hand still makes it ache. I think that it may have actually been broken.

I have finished my Churchmouse linen st scarf!! Took a lot longer than it should have, but we got there.





It needs a blocking, not the least so that the fringe straightens out so that I can trim it.
I like it a lot. *Almost* hoping for cooler weather to put it to good use.
Julie has sent me a couple of small projects. I'm starting with this wee stuffie.


Georgitte is a cutie, no doubt about it, and will perhaps change my attitude towards stuffed animal projects. We shall see shortly.

I have been spinning. It is good therapy as I can't let my emotions intrude upon my process or it gets ugly fast. I am feeling more confident in spinning a fairly consistent light-weight single. I think that it will be closer to a sport weight than the fingering that I was hoping for, but only plying and setting will tell.
I am halfway through the super wash roving that Barb gave us at the Frolic class.














I have found quite a bit more roving that had slipped my mind that I will spin up and practice on before I give a real shot at spinning a serious length of yarn for a project.

The puppies are well.
Chica's caring style is to keep me preoccupied with throwing her ball. Lol.





She loves that thing and makes me laugh with her antics.
Petey is my sensitive carer. He will not watch me cry. He jumps up and is licking my face until I stop - if for no other reason than to halt his zealous ministrations!!





He snuggles beside me, morning and night, silently, consistently comforting.
I had Toby for two weeks while Kee was away for work. Chica & I will miss him a lot. We had some great fun at the soccer pitch. I told Lee that he had to keep forking out for the Chuckit ball.








Baseball has been terrific this year; I'm so glad that I got onto a mixed team. There's more overall playing, and it gives me that many more games and exercise. I bring the puppies sometimes; Chris & Maria are their fave minders.


I am working towards a big change. I'm due for a positive one that I choose for myself. It's geographical. Nothing definite at the mo, but I won't give up on this. I need somewhere new, where I can make positive memories unclouded by the past. Not haunted by memory triggers everywhere I turn.



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Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Keeping On

Not much to say.
I worked most of yesterday but went to Emerg at lunch to have my hand looked at. It was still quite swollen, and though I could make a fist & see the knuckles, it occurred to me that a bone in the back of my hand may be broken. It wasn't, just deeply bruised. My own fault, I don't expect sympathy for that.
I'm not normally a hitter/thrower. I don't generally act out/speak in anger because it is apart always just hurtful and unproductive. Case in point.
The puppies have been a lovely distraction and comfort.








I called in a personal day today; not to wallow, just try to clear my head and not have to put on a happy face.
I've had stretches of wry him out and not dwelling, then a memory comes out of nowhere, stabs me in the back, and reduces me to tears. I know that the stretches will become longer and the memories more sweet than bitter, but it's gut-wrenching at the mo.
But I've been through worse. I'll get through this.
Almost done the Bernat baby blanket.


Time for a walk.


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