Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Post op

Well the post op pain isn't nearly as bad as carrying around the tumour so there's a postitive! It's more like really uncomfortable plus I'm bound as tight in a Tensor bandage as the proverbial sung bug in a rug!! It's so tight that it's messing with the muscles in my back - I am totally going to need a massage!! The bandage can come off Thursday at which time I will see the damages which might be outweighed by the fact that I can finally take a shower!!!

They removed the tumour along with 7 lymph nodes one of which was enlarged. I don't know much about these things (and I'm kinda scared to look it up) and
while the Dr assures me that number/size has no bearing on cancerous potential, 7 still seems like a lot to me. I have to wait 2 weeks for the results/staging/grading of the tumour & lymph nodes. Sigh. The waiting is the absolute worst for me.

I'm really disappointed to have missed the Blue Jays Stitch 'n Pitch last night. Next year I'll totally be there!!!

Thank God I have knitting to kind of take my mind off of too much dwelling. I am just about ready to start on the sleeves of Elise's sweater for XRX. It's deadlined so I'm all over it.
I have started a new Sweet Spot strip - Creatively Dyed Yarns.
This colour is called Larkspur - I'm lovin' it!!
I've also got China Clouds which I will be hard back into as soon as the XRX sweater is done and with the new Rowan out Julie has promised me some Rowan-liciousnous to work on as a rest from the intense intarsia!!!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

In the Still of the Night

I've always had a hard time falling asleep; I have a hard time shutting my brain off - I think about what happened during the day, what didn't happen, what I woulda/coulda/shoulda done, what the kids did (what I know they did & what I think they did - LOL), what they didn't do, how everyone feels, what the plans are for the next day(s), etc ... I usually read for 20-30 minutes - it gives me some other life/problems/stuff to think about that I have no vested interest in to think about.
Lately I've had more to think (fret) about than usual. And then there's the pain. It's a constant, deep, intense ache with occasional bursts of sharper pain. Louie is not one to be ignored. Any shift of position - bending over, standing up from sitting, rolling over - really hurts. The tumour is dense and heavy and my h
umble breast is not happy with this invasion.
Kerwyn falls asleep literally in minutes after his head hits the pillow so I am left alone with my thoughts which are become darker as the the hours wear on. Then I'm caught in the catch-22 that most insomniacs suffer - do I get up when I can't sleep & try to get something done which guarantees that I won't get to sleep, or do I lay there trying to get to sleep which is more often than not a frustrating failure. I try to cry quietly but it's a rolling stone that gathers force, so I usually end up going downstairs and watching a movie.
Kerwyn is supportive and will totally wake up & hold me while I cry but I hate putting that on him when he has to get up & go to work. I want to try to explain to him how I feel but I don't want to pile my shit on to top of his shit. It's easier to be strong during the day when I need to be for other people - at night, when it's just me ... not so much.
I took this picture a couple of weeks ago - it's gotten worse/bigger since then.
The good news is that the surgery got bumped up a few days - I'll totally take what little advantage I can get!! - to Monday. It's good news but makes it all the more real (if THAT makes any sense) and scary at the same time. We have to be there for 6:30AM for the dye injection for the sentinel node biopsy; the surgery is scheduled for 12:30. Prime knitting time - score!!! No worries, I have several very easy, un-screw-upable projects to take with.

Thanks for listening - knitting news soon!

Thursday, July 15, 2010


I've been trying to start on a new sock but I'm not having a lot of success.

In order:a regular rib swatch, a Knit One Below swatch, a K1B swatch with Koigu.I don't know - I'm just not really liking any of them.
Perhaps I am not meant to knit socks with the lovely Yarntini. Sigh - maybe it will be the start of another Yartini strip for another afghan.

I am swatching up an anonymous yarn - I've wound it but can't find the ball band.

But fortunately I received the most sumptuous alpaca in the mail.
I swear, it rivals cashmere with it's lusciousness (I am knitting the sample, I have no vested interest in the source). Aslan Trends Royal Alpaca - OMG!!! It is for a Knit One Below sweater for Knitters and while I would have selected different colours should it have been for me, I am in deep and abiding love with the feel of this yarn!!

Today has not been good - I told a good friend about the breast cancer; I always cry when someone else cries. But the Lord doesn't give us burdens that we cannot bear so I know that I will get through this and see the other side. I am stronger for the burden that I bear.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Don'tcha just hate thinking of a title sometimes?

Anyway, I had to go to the hospital for the pre-op admin tests/paperwork so I got a lot done on a pair of socks, that even though they are my "to-go" project, have been taking entirely too long.
I'm going to take some time after this post to finish them since I'm almost at the toe shaping.

China Clouds is growing!! I'm at the armhole shaping on the LF - very nice!!

I want my blog to be mostly about my knitting but this cancer is going to be as much a part of my life going forward as my knitting and I started blogging so that I could keep my friends up to date on what's going on so talking about how I'm feeling physically & emotionally is going to be included. I'm not one to share too many deep feelings on the blog but you never know - I'm prone to say anything these days. I swear, I'm more distracted & stupid lately than with both of my pregnancies combined!!
Today is a good day - I'm not feeling as much pain as I have been recently so maybe (hopefully) Louie (I named it ... I couldn't help it!) has stopped his growth spurt. I did some math and with a growth rate of 100% in 42 days, if that growth has remained constant, Louie is 28.5% larger than 12 days ago. And it feels like it. I know, I'm entirely too nurturing!!! LOL

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Time Off

Between not being able to sleep & when I do it's not quality sleep, the pain in my breast - which has me concerned because Dr. S. says that it's not typical but could be because of the rapid growth of the tumour - and appts without end I've gone on medical leave from the Mighty Mart of Wal. I'll totally miss most of the people but not the drama and drudgery. I'm really looking forward to quantity knitting time - I'm sure that this won't be much of a vacation but I'll make of it what I can!!

What a difference blocking makes - I'm totally going to have to block the 2nd sleeve!
I've started on the LF - the pattern called for doing the main part then sewing on the entire band. While I love finishing sometimes it just doesn't make sense to seam stitches to stitches so I knit the band and then just picked up the body stitches and am going from there; when I'm done I'll only have to seam the band to the front & side welt.

Amanda is adorable - she knows that knitting is love so she is working on a secret scarf for me!! I'm also getting a pink friendship bracelet and she's making a whack of Klutz bottle cap charms.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I Will Survive

It's been an up & down couple of months - test, misdiagnosis, specialists and more tests but it's confirmed. I have breast cancer. Cancer is such a bigger & weightier word than it seems when you need to take ownership of it.

It's an aggressive tumour - it's doubled in size in 6 weeks - so I'll be going in for surgery in the next couple of weeks. I'll probably work next week at the Mart of Wal then go off on disability until this sleigh ride is over. While it won't be a total vacation - I'm sure that the chemo & radiation will live up to their billing - I'm looking forward to the knitting time. I know, but this is my silver lining!!!

You don't know how good your friends are until you really need them and I've been blessed. It's going to be a long, hard row to hoe but I'm a tough one to keep down for long. I will survive this.