I've always had a hard time falling asleep; I have a hard time shutting my brain off - I think about what happened during the day, what didn't happen, what I woulda/coulda/shoulda done, what the kids did (what I know they did & what I think they did - LOL), what they didn't do, how everyone feels, what the plans are for the next day(s), etc ... I usually read for 20-30 minutes - it gives me some other life/problems/stuff to think about that I have no vested interest in to think about.
Lately I've had more to think (fret) about than usual. And then there's the pain. It's a constant, deep, intense ache with occasional bursts of sharper pain. Louie is not one to be ignored. Any shift of position - bending over, standing up from sitting, rolling over - really hurts. The tumour is dense and heavy and my humble breast is not happy with this invasion.
Kerwyn falls asleep literally in minutes after his head hits the pillow so I am left alone with my thoughts which are become darker as the the hours wear on. Then I'm caught in the catch-22 that most insomniacs suffer - do I get up when I can't sleep & try to get something done which guarantees that I won't get to sleep, or do I lay there trying to get to sleep which is more often than not a frustrating failure. I try to cry quietly but it's a rolling stone that gathers force, so I usually end up going downstairs and watching a movie.
Kerwyn is supportive and will totally wake up & hold me while I cry but I hate putting that on him when he has to get up & go to work. I want to try to explain to him how I feel but I don't want to pile my shit on to top of his shit. It's easier to be strong during the day when I need to be for other people - at night, when it's just me ... not so much.
I took this picture a couple of weeks ago - it's gotten worse/bigger since then. The good news is that the surgery got bumped up a few days - I'll totally take what little advantage I can get!! - to Monday. It's good news but makes it all the more real (if THAT makes any sense) and scary at the same time. We have to be there for 6:30AM for the dye injection for the sentinel node biopsy; the surgery is scheduled for 12:30. Prime knitting time - score!!! No worries, I have several very easy, un-screw-upable projects to take with.
Thanks for listening - knitting news soon!