Saturday, July 24, 2010

In the Still of the Night

I've always had a hard time falling asleep; I have a hard time shutting my brain off - I think about what happened during the day, what didn't happen, what I woulda/coulda/shoulda done, what the kids did (what I know they did & what I think they did - LOL), what they didn't do, how everyone feels, what the plans are for the next day(s), etc ... I usually read for 20-30 minutes - it gives me some other life/problems/stuff to think about that I have no vested interest in to think about.
Lately I've had more to think (fret) about than usual. And then there's the pain. It's a constant, deep, intense ache with occasional bursts of sharper pain. Louie is not one to be ignored. Any shift of position - bending over, standing up from sitting, rolling over - really hurts. The tumour is dense and heavy and my h
umble breast is not happy with this invasion.
Kerwyn falls asleep literally in minutes after his head hits the pillow so I am left alone with my thoughts which are become darker as the the hours wear on. Then I'm caught in the catch-22 that most insomniacs suffer - do I get up when I can't sleep & try to get something done which guarantees that I won't get to sleep, or do I lay there trying to get to sleep which is more often than not a frustrating failure. I try to cry quietly but it's a rolling stone that gathers force, so I usually end up going downstairs and watching a movie.
Kerwyn is supportive and will totally wake up & hold me while I cry but I hate putting that on him when he has to get up & go to work. I want to try to explain to him how I feel but I don't want to pile my shit on to top of his shit. It's easier to be strong during the day when I need to be for other people - at night, when it's just me ... not so much.
I took this picture a couple of weeks ago - it's gotten worse/bigger since then.
The good news is that the surgery got bumped up a few days - I'll totally take what little advantage I can get!! - to Monday. It's good news but makes it all the more real (if THAT makes any sense) and scary at the same time. We have to be there for 6:30AM for the dye injection for the sentinel node biopsy; the surgery is scheduled for 12:30. Prime knitting time - score!!! No worries, I have several very easy, un-screw-upable projects to take with.

Thanks for listening - knitting news soon!

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