The Real Reality

I love reality shows and all of us who do wonder if they're really "real", partially scripted or if it's just real skilled editing, showing us only the most tantalizing and scandalous bits.
Blogging is kind of like that - do we put all of ourselves out there come what may, change the script and put a bit of a spin on it or just edit out the good, bad or ugly bits.
I have to admit that I've been editing. I've always had to edit my knitting content when I'm working on a project for a designer that needs to be kee on the Down Low. Professional editing.
I've shared a lot about my journey through my cancer. I've editing a bit - there is such thing as TMI on a public forum and I don't want anyone's virus software blocking me.
I've shared some things about my family but it's a fine line - they have their own lives and opinions about how much they want my friends to know so I've kept it fairly light & general. And sometimes it's just that some things are hard to say out loud or write down - doing that makes them more real somehow.
For the last few months I've been adjusting myself to a new reality. At first I couldn't even wrap my own head around it, then I started telling a few very close friends and it got easier to talk about and accept for myself. Then I got to the point where I could tell more casual friends and it didn't feel like I was talking about someone else. I finally told one of my most dear friends - we don't talk much or often but I know that she is always there like I never went away. Telling her was hard - I felt like I was admitting to a personal failure (even though in my head I know that isn't true, our hearts are traitorous things). But of course she was as true a friend as ever and her support as healing as ever. And now I feel like I've gotten to a place in my head where I can really put it out there because I've learned from my cancer that you can't get support if people don't know that you need it.

Kerwyn decided that I am no longer what he wants. Yes, he's a man being a weak man. 'Nuff said. It's hard to say how long he's felt that way; his anger says that he's never been happy but he announced it a few months ago. I know, Epic Bad Timing but it is what it is.
After 21 years it's a lot to wrap my head around and I know with my head that it's about him and his decisions and that it's not really about me. My heart is crushed and the kids are angry & really hurt.

But just like the cancer I'm trying to take it in stride and move through it. When there is nothing that you can do to change a thing you do what you can with it and I'm trying to sort through the paperwork & find a lawyer. Just like I learned more than I ever wanted to about cancer I'm learning more than I ever wanted to about family law and I haven't even hardly done anything yet!!

This is going to be an area of my life that gets not so much edited as just not included on my blog. I wanted to share the fact of it because it's impacting various areas of my life more but I just can't share the details - personally & legally it's not a good idea.

I'm seriously starting to feel like Job, but he kept the faith and made out like a bandit in the end. I'll be happy with just getting through with my sanity, kids & health intact.