Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Real Reality

I love reality shows and all of us who do wonder if they're really "real", partially scripted or if it's just real skilled editing, showing us only the most tantalizing and scandalous bits.
Blogging is kind of like that - do we put all of ourselves out there come what may, change the script and put a bit of a spin on it or just edit out the good, bad or ugly bits.
I have to admit that I've been editing. I've always had to edit my knitting content when I'm working on a project for a designer that needs to be kee on the Down Low. Professional editing.
I've shared a lot about my journey through my cancer. I've editing a bit - there is such thing as TMI on a public forum and I don't want anyone's virus software blocking me.
I've shared some things about my family but it's a fine line - they have their own lives and opinions about how much they want my friends to know so I've kept it fairly light & general. And sometimes it's just that some things are hard to say out loud or write down - doing that makes them more real somehow.
For the last few months I've been adjusting myself to a new reality. At first I couldn't even wrap my own head around it, then I started telling a few very close friends and it got easier to talk about and accept for myself. Then I got to the point where I could tell more casual friends and it didn't feel like I was talking about someone else. I finally told one of my most dear friends - we don't talk much or often but I know that she is always there like I never went away. Telling her was hard - I felt like I was admitting to a personal failure (even though in my head I know that isn't true, our hearts are traitorous things). But of course she was as true a friend as ever and her support as healing as ever. And now I feel like I've gotten to a place in my head where I can really put it out there because I've learned from my cancer that you can't get support if people don't know that you need it.

Kerwyn decided that I am no longer what he wants.
Yes, he's a man being a weak man. 'Nuff said. It's hard to say how long he's felt that way; his anger says that he's never been happy but he announced it a few months ago. I know, Epic Bad Timing but it is what it is.
After 21 years it's a lot to wrap my head around and I know with my head that it's about him and his decisions and that it's not really about me. My heart is crushed and the kids are angry & really hurt.

But just like the cancer I'm trying to take it in stride and move through it. When there is nothing that you can do to change a thing you do what you can with it and I'm trying to sort through the paperwork & find a lawyer. Just like I learned more than I ever wanted to about cancer I'm learning more than I ever wanted to about family law and I haven't even hardly done anything yet!!

This is going to be an area of my life that gets not so much edited as just not included on my blog. I wanted to share the fact of it because it's impacting various areas of my life more but I just can't share the details - personally & legally it's not a good idea.

I'm seriously starting to feel like Job, but he kept the faith and made out like a bandit in the end. I'll be happy with just getting through with my sanity, kids & health intact.


  1. holy crap, girl. Epic Bad Timing is a bit of an understatement.
    Sorry to hear the news, but I know you'll come out of this strong - that's just who you are!

  2. Stay strong......

  3. This just hit me hard, in the chest with a balled-up fist hard. My heart goes out to you and the family.

  4. Anonymous5:14 PM


  5. Good freakin' gravy. You are a marvel of sanity and strength amidst a maelstrom of difficulties. Hats off to you for being so fantastic through all of this (and for continuing to be so gorgeous with your hat off, at that!).

    Also--how weird is this?--another girlfriend of mine had the exact same thing happen, right down to the timing of the breast cancer/husband departure. My editor is currently unavailable so I'll just come right out and say it: sometimes men are completely retarded.

    Big hug to you!!!
    Lorraine PS I hope Amanda's ankle is feeling better. Ouch!

  6. You are not only a natural born knitter, you are a natural born winner - you are an inspiration to all of us - keep strong, you'll get through it and when you come out the other side, you'll wonder why YOU put up with him....promise!

  7. All I can say is that your family and friends, including cyber-friends are here to support you in all parts of your life. You are such an inspiration for putting yourself "out there" about the cancer. You are getting through that and you will get through this too. We women are so much stronger, and sometimes men can be such wimps. What I'm trying to say is that we are like the scaffolding in your life, supporting you in whatever happens. ((((((Hugs)))))

  8. You'll come through this too, with friends and family and your own strong self -

  9. Anonymous5:14 PM

    Not fair at all to aim that at someone who is already dealing with so much. But then who said life was fair anyway. Sending as many positive vibes your way as I can and only negative ones to the "other".

  10. I'm sure he has good points - after all, you married him for SOME reason, but the male menopause turns some men into such assholes! Why doesn't he just get a red sports car and a golden retriever and get over himself?

    This happened to friends in slightly different order. He told her he wanted a divorce, then she found a lump, had a double mastectomy and repairs. Then he got sick. Turns out, now he has multiple myeloma, and no one to take care of him. She, meanwhile, is getting on with her life.

    I am SO sorry you have to go through this!! It sucks rocks!! Want another quilt? It's too far to send chicken soup.

  11. What everyone else said! Times two or three billion.

  12. Leslie2:54 PM

    There's nothing wrong with this post - you are being open, honest and truthful - the person you really are and that we all know and love.

    Don't pay attention to any noise from other parties - you were appropriately honest about what's going on - cards on the table. If someone's so uncomfortable about the "truth" being out, then maybe that person needs to think deeply about why they feel that way.

    Love and hugs,

  13. Delurking with hugs (or kind thoughts if that's too awkward) from a stranger who reads your blog. I've been thinking about you anyway, but this'll just add to the healing thoughts I'm sending your way.

  14. I don't know what to say. You are amazing.
    You have beautiful children who love you and that makes all the difference.

  15. Anonymous12:43 PM

    Another stranger who reads your blog. I'm a survivor of 2 broken marriages, both caught me by surprise and one left on Christmas Day! I have now lived with the love of my life for over 17 years. Keep positive, things do work out. And to quote an old saying, "when one door closes, another opens". Keep the faith. - Wanda

  16. Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your son and daughter. I know that writing a blog a person tries to keep things upbeat, but when the times get tough just know that we're with you, and in some way communicating in this forum, I hope that we support you through the good times and bad. One day at a time Wannietta, you are amazing!