Not for the Squeamish

Just a heads-up - there is a graphic picture further down. You have been forewarned.

I am a good woman & mother. I believe that a large part of my being successful at these two significant states of being is due to excellent intuition & instinct. I can honestly say that I have never been led astray by my instincts.

I may have been perceived as weak, indecisive or hesitant at times and it wasn't because I didn't have a feeling about a given situation but because it takes me awhile to prove my instinct right. I don't know why I'm driven to do this - maybe because I'm a Libra (people who are more astrologically savvy may have some input on this), maybe it was the way I was raised (no, I'm not blaming my mother) but mostly I think that I am still working up to being able to completely trust my instincts without having to validate them (to myself & to others).

I have learned through my journey through cancer treatment that I don't need to be in pain. It really doesn't prove anything, serves no one (and least of all me!!) and is the long route to the same destination. But I'm still a bit of a slow learner.

I knew intellectually that having my thumb nail cut off & the nail bed cut into would hurt. A lot. The reality is beyond accurate description with words. Seriously, even though there was anesthetic involved and it was done in a surgical environment in an accredited medical facility the result was the same as any underground torture chamber - I would have said anything to anyone with conviction to have it stop!! Even with prescription painkillers (and supplemental/medicinal alcohol) I would have promised anything (anyone?) to make the pain end. I knew with every fibre of my being that this kind of pain that was not abating and perhaps even getting worse could not be normal. The nice Dr. had given me Percocet for 2.5 days and since he didn't seem incompetent or sadistic I had to believe that he did not anticipate the pain going much beyond that amount of time. The Dr. at the clinic (who did not make quite as good an impression) also did not strike me as being a quake and when she gave me another 3 days worth of meds it seems to me that the end should have been in sight. So I followed my instincts & made an appt with the original Dr. for today - 7 days post-op.

I should say that I have been through surgeries of varying degrees, birthed 2 large-headed, healthy-weighted children, gone through chemotherapy (and though it went relatively well still was no walk-over) and am toughing out the end of 6.5 weeks of radiation therapy. I am no stranger to pain & while I'm a baby with needles I can take pain as well as some & better than most. Even on T3's and Percocet I was still just will-power away from crying at the pain, not just in my thumb, but radiating into my hand and fingers.

When Dr. Dickie unwrapped my thumb, the following was revealed. I thought that it looked fairly gruesome so I asked him if it was what he expected. He allowed as how it was fairly typical though it was redder and a bit more swollen than he would like. It's visibly swollen - I can barely bend it. And it is definitely "feverish". I thought that it might have felt warm when it was bandaged but it was hard to tell. He asked if removing the bandages had relieved some of the pain. Through gritted teeth I told him that it was exponentially worse and he made me lay down - I think that I had paled.
He cleaned it off and said that the increase in pain was definitely not typical but was likely indicative of a strep or staph skin infection - apparently common. He prescribed an antibiotic, put on a light bandage and said that I should change it daily or more often if there was "drainage". Yea!!! Drainage!!! I asked when the antibiotics would kick in and he said I should notice an improvement in about 36 hours. I had no problem asking for more Percs to get me through the next 36 hours!! As he was writing the Rx he said that if 1 tablet wasn't enough I could take 2. I told him that I rolled through the initial Rx and the 2^nd one from the clinic Dr. 2 at a time with alcohol to kick it up a notch so I'd be hitting this one 2 at a time right out of the gate. I'm not sure how to interpret the look that he gave me - shock at the unashamed honesty, amusement, skepticism; I didn't care what he was thinking. I took my Rx and left. I made it home and Kyle was a good son and drove me down to The Mighty Mart of Wal to get them filled... I was feeling kind of unsteady from the pain.

I think that I am going to soak it in some saline solution (what's good for my breast can't be bad for my thumb), clean it up and re-dress it. Then some nice relaxing medication & mindless TV/DVD. A friend has lent me seasons 1-4 of Sex in the City & I have another friend that I'll borrow the rest from! I have managed to knit a few rows on a scarf - kind of holding the knitting between my index & middle fingers, throwing the yarn with my middle finger instead of my index finger and concentrating very (very!!!) hard on not using my thumb. It's almost more effort expended than the pleasure produced but I'm happy to have yarn & needles in hand. I know, but I just had to!!!

Do you trust your feelings/intuition/instincts?

Salt

"Salt is what makes things taste bad when it isn't in them."
Anonymous

Salt is amazing. Our bodies use it as an electrolyte; it helps operate & maintain our nervous system & muscles and aids in regulating our blood pressure. We have a constant balancing act going on inside the scenes without even knowing it! Just like in food though, if we are suffering from a salt deficiency (or there's too much salt) there is no doubt and we'll know about it!

There is a remarkable choice of scented, seasoned & smoked salts available. I have wanted to experiment with some of them & challenge my taste buds a bit. Mostly I just use "regular" sea salt; I'm not a fan of the iodized table salt.
When I crave snacks I mostly lean towards sweet so when I do crave something salty I kind of have to go on the prowl and usually end up with cheese. LOL!!

When I started radiation I was given a "recipe" for a saline solution that I was told would help if (when) I started getting sores & peeling. I've been diligent in using the Glaxal Base Cream & everything was going along so well I thought that I was going to be a lucky minority that didn't burn/peel. But I kept it but kind of discounted it - I mean really, 1tsp of salt in 2 cups of water? It seemed kind of placebo-ish to me. But I am nothing if not cooperative & compliant and there will come a point when I will try most anything that doesn't reek of snake oil.

I was wrong!!!

I stand - happily - corrected!! Over the weekend several small sores popped up - little blisters that burst & opened when I scratched. I know, I tried not to but even just rubbing the itches was too much for the sensitive skin. And, even though my humble B-cups aren't much, they are enough that when they are left "au naturel" (which I've been doing because bras are just too much for the aforementioned sensitive skin) there is enough a small area that is chaffing.
I made up a "batch" of the saline soak and it is perfectly soothing! There is just enough salt left behind after air drying that the sores dry up a bit and the itching is relieved! I really think that this might be my new home remedy for regular sun burns!!

Same Old

No pics, nothing's changed, nothing's new. Not that I'm complaining - I'm just fine with nothing new!!!
I still have a significant amount of pain in my thumb that radiates into my hand at about 4 hours post-pain meds. Between the T3's during the day & Percs at night (they're better for sleeping) the pain is manageable at least. But even though I do as little as I can, just doing the minimum during the day has me to my limit and exhausted by the end of the day. It's hard to say how much is the thumb, radiation and just the stress of my life but with the help of Amanda, Kyle & all my friends the load is does not exceed maximum capacity.

I have not even tried knitting yet - just holding a pen when I have to is painful! When the pain subsides enough I will adapt to a knitting style that suits & I'll let you know! I've been just watching TV/DVR/Netflix, reading some - flicking pages with my right hand requires thought and patience - but mostly just vegging, which, for all who know me know that this goes against my grain. Even typing is slow because it hurts to use my thumb (and even using the other fingers on my right hand affects my thumb ... sigh).

Knitting Interupted

The biopsy for that black line on my thumb was bumped up to last Thursday. I was excited until I was in the waiting room and then a wee bit of panic set in. "How did I think that this was going to be a good idea? Perhaps ignorance is bliss?" But I knew deep down that if I had learned nothing else from my experience with breast cancer I had learned that I will have everything biopsied - even if there is only a tiny percent that it could be cancer, I need to know.
So ...
having the freezing go in hurt. Mind you, I'm not good with needles anyway. But at least the freezing went in to the base of my thumb & I had imagined them sticking it into my actual thumb, perhaps even under my thumbnail so that was better than I thought!

The actual procedure was interesting - I'll spare the details in case you're squeamish but I am sans 2/3 of my thumbnail and I have 3 stitches because he also had to take some of the nail bed. Check out the "OMG, could he make it any bigger?!?" bandage. And it has to stay "clean & dry" for 10 days. I asked how I was supposed to wash my hands to which Dr. Dickie (no, I'm not making that up!!) replied, "You'll figure something out". I told him that when I came to see him my hand would be filthy but sanitized!!

I knew that it would hurt when the freezing came out but - Lord have mercy!! - I had no idea how much!!! I have spent the better part of yesterday & today in bed, drugged to the gills with some medicinal rum chasers for good measure & I'm still hurting!! And when I say "hurting" I mean pain rivaling the worst of the pain on the Taxotere!! I called Telehealth and on the nurses recommendation went to a clinic today and I'm going to try a different pain killer.
I really hope that the pain will subside significantly soon so that I can try to knit on something. And so that I can get off these drugs - I'm not good with pain or at just laying about, dozing off & on. I know it won't be anything fine or gauge-critical, but even a simple scarf ... going cold turkey could kill a hard-core addict like me!!

Thanks for all of the support - no matter if I've known you for years or we're just "meeting", whether we know each other in RL or just Virtually please don't discount the value of knowing that I'm not alone, that my instincts & decisions are valid and I have "sisters" to turn to. And I'm sure that it's going to get a bit darker before I see dawn but I know that I'll get through and will have all of y'all to thank!!

Parking Policy

So pretty much every hospital in the land has some sort of payment required for parking. This of course drives patients to try to get out of paying - parking along roadways and in drop off zones. Which in turn gives the hospital cause to prevent such actions.

RVH in Barrie has such a drop off circle at the front of the hospital. People will generally use it in the intended manner, but sometimes people will park and run in for a quick appointment. The radiation centre is right out front and there isn't even an allowance made for patients receiving radiation treatments.

Over the last 2 weeks there has been a parking attendant walking around, writing out warnings that are placed on the offending vehicles' windshields, writing down plate numbers and inquiring if there is a driver in the vehicle how long they will be. Even the drivers for the Canadian Cancer Society who have their volunteer papers in the window are inquired after.

So today as I was coming out from radiation I see a couple of people off-loading equipment from a Rogers TV truck parked in front of my drivers car. I saw the parking attendant speaking with them so as they were walking away I asked her if they were seriously going to be allowed to park there. She said that they had the permission of the "owner" of the hospital. I know, but I knew what she meant so I didn't go there. I told her that I would have to get the name of the owner so that I could park for free too.

From what I understand it is both a safety concern - keeping the area as uncongested as possible, maintaining a safe flow of traffic, and a monetary thing, not having people parking free when they could be paying for it. And really, I get it. A hospital is just another business; even though it is colder & more callous than a health care institute should be, it is what it is. Which really made me mad - people like me who are coming to the hospital everyday and paying for the privilege of care and Rogers just waltzes in and gets preferential treatment when (considering how much I pay for all of the Rogers services that I have) I know that they can afford the maximum of $15 to park.

I Facebooked it on my way home and as soon as I got home I called the hospital.
705-728-9090
Janice Skot - President/CEO
Wendy Sallow - her assistant
Joanie - answered her phone
James Sweeney - Patient Representative
Jane Caulkin - Manager of Communications

In trying to speak with Janice I spoke with Joanie who put me through to James. I left a message on his machine explaining what had happened and my deep irritation at this flagrant insult. Jane called me back within an hour, explaining that while Rogers was there to interview Janice, she certainly had not given them permission to park in the drop off zone and that The Media were very well aware of hospital policy, namely that they are to park in the Visitor Parking with the rest of the paying public. Jane said that a colleague was speaking with Rogers about the incident, reminding them of the policy and that they would also speak with the parking attendants to ensure that they understand & enforce the policy and that bandying about an executive members' name does not entitle them to undeserved privileges.

You know what I did next. Yup.
Rogers TV Barrie
Staff Information
705-737-4660 x 6933
cindy.macdonald@rci.rogers.com
Cindy MacDonald - Station Manager

I called and left her a message explaining what had happened & what I had found out from the RVH staff and asked her to call me and let me know what she was going to do to resolve this as I had found it insulting - as a patient of RVH and a customer of Rogers.

I await her reply.